I rewatched an old video where researcher Brené Brown gives an example: “You know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really well and one “opportunity for growth’? And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?”

It reminds me of another example from Polina Aronson's research, a Russian-German sociologist. She wrote a book about love in the modern world: How We Became Managers of Our Own Emotions. She says that when she asked people what love is, the most common answer was: something I had before or something I hope to have in the future. And even people who said they were in a relationship at that moment often didn’t define it as love.
So you see this distance between the question and the angle of the answers. Kind of the same, but different. And Brené explains why.
Is there something about me that, if other people see it or know it, will make me unworthy of connection? You know that feeling, right? We all do. There is only one way to allow ourselves to be seen: to deconstruct shame.

The courage to be imperfect. The compassion to be kind to ourselves. To be vulnerable.

We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is by numbing vulnerability, Brené says. The thing is, you can’t selectively numb emotions. You can’t say: I’m not going to feel, I’ll just grab my burger instead.
Because when we numb one part of life, like sadness, at the same time we numb another one — joy. We all have stories about why and how we numb our emotions.
The idea is to notice it, catch it, and transform it.

In my future letters, I’ll tell you more about the different kinds of transformation that different authors suggest.

Nothing in life interests me more than people. Who are we? How do we see ourselves, and how do we want others to see us? Why is there sometimes such a painful distance between the two?

These are questions I ask myself at different moments of my life. I feel that by now I have gathered some answers, observations, and words of support.
This newsletter will explore questions about who we are. Stories, people, art, and philosophy will help guide us along the way.
Sometimes these will be letters. Sometimes essays. Sometimes waves.

I don’t promise perfection, but I do hope this space feels like a warm place to return to and a place where you feel understood.

If you’d like to stay, you are very welcome here!

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